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Saturday, April 28th, 2001

Time Event
12:42p
Why do all thses online people keep telling me they love me? It's not possible, they dopn't even know me really. It just pisses me off. Maybe they are just taking the piss though, that makes sense.

Current Mood: annoyed
1:06p
welp, I took the colour test, and I'm gunna put the results here, just so I have a record of them, ok? I'm putting them straigth into here before even reading them, and then I'll have a look at what it actually says...

Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to him. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut himself away from them.

Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as he has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to his self-sufficiency because of the restraint he normally imposes on himself. Since he wants to demonstrate the unique quality of his own character, he tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal his fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize his behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference he really longs for the approval and esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Becomes distressed when his needs or desires are misunderstood and feels that he has no one to turn to or rely on. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.

Your Desired Objective
Wants to establish himself and make an impact despite unfavorable circumstances and a general lack of appreciation.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase his self-esteem and his feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets himself high standards.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety. Desires recognition and position, but is worried about his prospects. Reacts to this by protecting at any criticism and resisting any attempt to influence him. Tries to assert himself by meticulous control of detail in an effort to strengthen his position.
4:08p
Ok then, let's have a look at what we can find in all that...
"intolerant" "disagreeable" "upsetting" "self-sufficient" "unconcerned" "inadequate" "criticising" "contempt" "indifference" "egocentric" "unfavourable" "mediocrity" "disappointment"

That sounds about right. Everybody seems to think the Color Quiz has a high degree of accuracy, so all the people out there that don't really know me, make sure to read that. Still love me now?

It's not my place in the world to be loved; save it for people who want/need it.
4:32p
My ColourQuiz results not entirely accurate...
It's too bad that it got the "Your Actual Problem" part completely reversed.
Why on earth would I "need to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual" when I'm not one? What I need is for people to stop trying to tell me that everyone is a wonderful human being. Sure everyone may be "created [born] equal," but as soon as they get old enough to start being an individual, that pretty much goes out the window. I have no talent, a bare modicum of skill, and a virtually non-existent personality (that is *not* me trying to put myself down, it's *true*). How on earth could I be considered "equal" to an creative, intelligent, *interesting* person?!
And the last thing I need is to increase my sense of self worth. Everytime in the past I've even *begun* to think "oh yeah, I'm hip, I'm cool, I'm good", Life has smacked me down and shown me that it's simply not true. I don't "resist mediocrity," I embrace it because it's all I'll ever be. The only "standard" or goal I've set myself for the duration is To Die Friendless And Alone because at least it's something I know I can actually achieve. So I guess this is the part where I "become distressed when [my] needs or desires are misunderstood."
I *need* to be on the bottom of the heap, it's where I belong. I *like* being here, I *feel comfortable* here. If I tried to climb up, sooner or later I'd fall (or get pushed) down anyway, so why not just stay here? I've been me a lot longer than anyone else has, so I know what I can do (Nothing, Nowhere, No one), and what I can't. Pretty much everything that I've experienced so far has been "hey Serpens, guess what? You're crap." I could believe the sky is green all I want, it wont change the fact that it's blue. People can believe that everybody is worth while all that they want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm not.

This is the person that I am, and if there's one thing that countless Teen Dramas, American SitComs and Romantic Comedies have taught me, it's "Always be yourself." So I'm not going to try and be someone I'm not. I guess the fact that the "yourself" that is "myself" plain all out sucks is just my little cross to bear, isn't it? And you know what? I don't mind.

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